My mother has dementia and is 90 years old.  My Dad is clear thinking and is 98 years old.  They have been married over 69 years and are in good hysical health.  They live in assisited living.  Dad needs some personal care assistance and my Mum is unable to understnad this and accept it.  She gets very agitated , angry and mean to the health care aides and to Dad while he is getting care.  I have to be there all the time to diffuse the situation. They want to be together but I need to figure out how to make this work.  The dementia makes her say things and do things that she would never have done.  Dad often says he can't stand it and wants to move but she has been in hospital for assessment for 7 weeks and he misses her desperately.  She wants nothing more than to be with him for the tie that they have left.  I need to make this work.. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions for me?

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your amazing parents. 69 years - That is absolutly awesome!
First of all you have to recognize that there are not a couple in this marriage. A few years ago they were joined by another member of their union that they never wanted to be with them. His name is Alzheimer and there is no way he is leaving this partnership alone. Your Mother doesn't understand your Dad's need for personal assistance nor will she ever accept it. You are the one that will have to be the strong one in your family and believe me my prayers are really, really with you. Number one of importance is that YOU take care of YOU. You are the glue that is going to hold this family together and if anything happens to you the house of cards will collapse. Make sure you do take time away from the stress. Promise me you will read a book by Dr Marie Marley called 'Come Back Early Today'. It is a look at this disease from the care givers point of view and has been heavily awarded for it's insightful content. Just Google the book or author and you can also purchase it direct from the author I believe. She also has a website with a monthly newsletter that tells it like it is. Subscribe to this at no charge.

I solidly agree that she is right in that the remaining time should be together. I don't have the solid answer but one area I would be concerned about is your father. Having been there with my late wife I fully undestand the stress he is under. Please be watchful over him - he has needs as well. You sound like an awesome, concerned daughter and be proud of what you are doing.

The one area that you can really use help with will be to attend an adult support group put on by the Alzheimer's in or near your community. It saved my life and sanity. Every month I see the good solid work it does at helping people. The Society will also provide you with one on one counselling and I recommend you taking advantage of it. God richly bless you on your journey and know you are in my prayers.

PS: Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner but I have been travelling for 10 weeks. My wife passed away 17 months ago.

R Dean Cowan

Red Deer, AB

There is a saying in the dementia world: " if there is a problem, there is a reason." You and I may not see it as a reason but it is to the person who exhibits bad behaviour.

 Does your mother become upset with the staff only when your father is receiving care?

Perhaps, your mother has been 'protective' of your father all their married life and she is interpreting this care as affection. I hope this suggestion is not insensitive.

Could you take your mother to a room for tea before the staff come to care for your father?

I just had a thought! I know, you are as suprized as I am.

I might suggest to the care givers that they direct any suugestions to your mother in a soft voice in front of your father. I realize your mother is not participating in your father's care but it might make her feel part of it and alleviate some of her 'anger'.

My wife was extremely protective of me as your mother is of your father. On about the second or third day, an LPN walked up to my wife and said " Doreen, I am not going to talk to your husband. I am going to tell you everything you need to know." I was standing right there. She told the other caregivers to talk to my wife not me when I was present. Prior to this point my wife would shove the caregiver away from me as she felt the caregivers were stealing me away from her. This was the most incredible experience we had in long term care. After that, we had no more agression. I am sure you will have to modify the way it is done and said but give it a try.

Dean in Red Deer, AB